For the duration of my first two pregnancies (first one was lost at 12 weeks; second one resulted in a fat, black-haired, dimpled boy), all I heard was, "Babies are such a blessing! There is nothing like it! Cherish your baby for they grow up too quickly!" I nodded and smiled and placed a hand on my belly, stretched drum-tight, feeling the baby move as if it knew exactly what we'd been talking about. Oh, babies - how wonderful, how perfect!
Except - he wasn't.
I've only recently been able to talk about my experience following the birth of my first child. Initially, I was too ashamed. "Oh, I have a touch of the baby blues," I'd tell people, then I'd smile and nod when they said, "Oh, hormones! Isn't motherhood the most rewarding thing ever!?"
NOPE. To me, several weeks post-partum, it was not.
After 23 hours of labour, my son was born as I screamed, all 9 pounds of him. They lay his warm, bundled body in my arms and I looked down at him and waited for that instant oh-I-love-you-fiercely connection....and nothing happened. Oh, I was emotional, but more because I'd just pushed a pot roast out of a straw. The baby looked and felt like a stranger. I figured the feeling would come soon.
The next few days were a whirlwind of visitors, post-partum infection, fevers, and antibiotics. By the time we were finally released from the hospital five days later, I was exhausted - not only from nursing a baby every three hours, but also from incessant IV beeping, general hospital noise, and laying awake wondering when the nurse would bring the baby in again to eat. I was still recovering from an extremely high fever and stitches in places I'd never expected to have them.
The first night we were home was a disaster. I was still required to take my temp every hour to check for a recurrence of the fever. I remember taking a bath, and I remember my in-laws coming over to bring food and see the baby. They asked if I minded if they held him. No, I didn't mind - it was all I could do not to beg someone to take him from my arms anyway. It didn't feel natural.
He was up screaming until 5am and, suddenly, the months that stretched ahead of me looked bleak. Days and nights bled together and I found myself with no appetite and an inability to sleep despite being exhausted; instead, I'd lie awake with my heart racing, waiting for the baby to stir and open his mouth and root for my breast and scream when it wasn't there. I subsisted on Trisuits and cheese, eaten at 10 pm every night. One evening my husband took the baby to his folks' house so I could rest. I laid in bed and cried. I prayed nonsensically about somehow reversing time.
I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of our lives.
My husband was perfect - he changed the diapers and bathed the baby and took him for drives in the middle of the night just to get him to sleep. I would nurse the baby, sobbing, then hand him over to my husband. I was so grateful for an understanding man, but I also resented him, because he had found this blissful post-birth haze of wonder and excitement and energy.
I can remember one afternoon, sitting in my rocking chair in the living room with the baby nursing for the millionth time. Outside it was warm and breezy and a perfectly Autumn day, and I was so sad. I wanted to die. Not the baby - everyone was smitten with him (except me). I wished a car would crash through our window and I would die and the baby would be fine and someone else could be his mother, because clearly, I was not fit. I was not like my friends who cooed to me that I would die FOR him immediately; guiltily, I thought, I'd die BECAUSE of him. I could not think even one hour ahead because the knowledge that every day would be a repeat of the last was enough to send me into a full panic attack. Before him, I could eat when I was hungry and sleep when I was tired; I could shop for ten hours or go for a walk alone or putter around the house or spend two hours cooking an amazing dinner. Now my life consisted of nursing for an hour, burping a baby, changing his diaper, changing both of our clothes once he spit up copious amounts of breastmilk, maybe handing him to my husband for a few minutes while I tried to pee at the same time that I used tepid water in a bottle to help with the never-ending crotch pain, and then the baby would scream, and I would start it all over again. Twenty-four hours a day. This was my life? People CHOSE this and talked about it like it was heaven itself!?
I am not being dramatic - this is how alone I felt, how destitute, how terrified, how awful. And, sunk deep into this haze of neverending misery, I told myself I was alone.
Of course, now I know I wasn't, but how I wished at the time that someone would say, "Hey, how ARE you? Those early days are rough, aren't they? Sometimes you just need a break!" or "Yes, when my baby was born he looked like a miniature Winston Churchill and I had approximately the same connection to him as I do to the actual Winston Churchill." You know - something besides gushing over the delight of newborns.
It's not that way anymore, of course. My sons is nearly six (!!!) and sometimes I look at him, doing nothing exceptional, at his blonde hair that all grows in one direction and his freckles and his full mouth and wide smile, and I find myself unable to breathe, for he is mine and I made him and he is perfect in his own way. And when my second came alone, I did not feel the same ineptitude and disconnection; I knew what to expect, and I knew she'd feel like a stranger to me at first, and I knew the nights would be long. I eased into it in my own way and found myself enjoying my newborn.
Now I tell fellow moms that it really is a wonderful thing, but you won't break your child if you don't particularly enjoy the sixth nursing session since you went to bed, or if you just kind of want the little babe OFF of your shoulder for ten minutes to have a warm shower. It's okay. Parenthood is hard. Not everything about it is sticky kisses and wide-eyed wonder. It's gritty and dirty and sometimes you need to cry and say, "Why did I sign up for this?" The answer always comes in due time.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Don't bring me down.
I walked out of a store, bags in hand, and into a steamy rush of July humidity - forty degrees of it. My husband had just gotten out of the car to come in and get me, so he opened my door for me. "A creepy guy kept checking me out in there," I said. "He was leering."
"I don't blame him," was my husband's ready reply. "You're hot."
Well, yes, I was - my dress was sticking to me, my face was red, my hair was plastered to the nape of my neck - but that's not what my husband meant. He meant I was attractive, worthy of the attention. I smiled and thanked him. And, in a turn I wouldn't have thought I'd come to years ago, I believed him.
Years ago I was like a lot of my peers. I didn't believe I was beautiful. Oh, I didn't think I was ugly, but certainly not stunning. Everything was a comparison. I wasn't thin like my friend C. I didn't have the amazing smile of my cousin K. My hair would never look as lustrous as that girl at church. This shirt would probably look much better on J.
Sound familiar?
How did it change for me?
Well, having a man desire me and marry me didn't help. Losing weight, getting a haircut, finding a perfect pair of jeans - none of that made any difference. Having a baby made things worse because now I was insecure in my parenting choices AND my extra ten pounds and stretch marks.
A few years later, my husband and son and I were walking on an old logging road - one of our favourite haunts. My husband took a photo of my son and I walking away from him, and I looked at the preview in the viewfinder. I wrinkled my nose and said, "Ugh, my butt looks HUGE."
My husband - ah, my husband, the most patient of patient men, kindest and gentlest person I know, stopped right up, looked at me, and said, "Don't ever say that in front of our children."
Usually my response to something like this would be to argue. Humbled, I said, "Alright," and we carried on with our walk, chatting about this and that. But I didn't forget it.
He was right. Why would I want to spread my toxic self-image to my children? Would I want my children, who share genetics with me, to think they are less than beautiful because they resemble me in some way? Of course not. And, like every mother out there, I believe my children are the most beautiful people in the world. We-ell: they got some of that beauty from me. (I won't lay claim to the green, wide eyes or ginger hair, though.)
Slowly, I began to look at myself differently. I started by responding to compliments with 'Thank you!' instead of 'Oh, this old thing? It barely fits!' or 'Well I don't feel particularly stunning today!' I began looking at myself in the mirror and admiring myself instead of counting my physical faults. You know, it's nice being tall. I have long, strong legs that look great in a skirt. I have an hourglass figure that was made for curve-hugging dresses. My hair is soft and pretty. My face is friendly. I am beautiful in MY way. I am the only one who can make myself that way - therefore, I am.
Instead of jealously comparing myself to others, I now find myself celebrating their beauty for what it is - not in comparison to mine, not in what they are lacking or what they possess, but just for them, as a whole. I allow myself to see my body through the eyes of my husband, who still - after 10 years together - finds me delectably lovely and has never had a negative word to say about my appearance. I allow my children to hear me say, "Wow, I love this dress on me!" or "My hair looks fantastic today!"
This is not an easy road to travel for everyone, I know. I was coming from a place of general apathy about my looks, not self-loathing, and I have the support of a good man and wonderful friends who compliment me and children who still see me through eyes that see no flaws.
Try it, just once. Go ahead. Let yourself think you are fine the way you are. No, not even fine - perfect. Even if the moment is fleeting for you (for we all know how hard it is to deviate from years of thinking), relish in it. You are lovely.
"I don't blame him," was my husband's ready reply. "You're hot."
Well, yes, I was - my dress was sticking to me, my face was red, my hair was plastered to the nape of my neck - but that's not what my husband meant. He meant I was attractive, worthy of the attention. I smiled and thanked him. And, in a turn I wouldn't have thought I'd come to years ago, I believed him.
Years ago I was like a lot of my peers. I didn't believe I was beautiful. Oh, I didn't think I was ugly, but certainly not stunning. Everything was a comparison. I wasn't thin like my friend C. I didn't have the amazing smile of my cousin K. My hair would never look as lustrous as that girl at church. This shirt would probably look much better on J.
Sound familiar?
How did it change for me?
Well, having a man desire me and marry me didn't help. Losing weight, getting a haircut, finding a perfect pair of jeans - none of that made any difference. Having a baby made things worse because now I was insecure in my parenting choices AND my extra ten pounds and stretch marks.
A few years later, my husband and son and I were walking on an old logging road - one of our favourite haunts. My husband took a photo of my son and I walking away from him, and I looked at the preview in the viewfinder. I wrinkled my nose and said, "Ugh, my butt looks HUGE."
My husband - ah, my husband, the most patient of patient men, kindest and gentlest person I know, stopped right up, looked at me, and said, "Don't ever say that in front of our children."
Usually my response to something like this would be to argue. Humbled, I said, "Alright," and we carried on with our walk, chatting about this and that. But I didn't forget it.
He was right. Why would I want to spread my toxic self-image to my children? Would I want my children, who share genetics with me, to think they are less than beautiful because they resemble me in some way? Of course not. And, like every mother out there, I believe my children are the most beautiful people in the world. We-ell: they got some of that beauty from me. (I won't lay claim to the green, wide eyes or ginger hair, though.)
Slowly, I began to look at myself differently. I started by responding to compliments with 'Thank you!' instead of 'Oh, this old thing? It barely fits!' or 'Well I don't feel particularly stunning today!' I began looking at myself in the mirror and admiring myself instead of counting my physical faults. You know, it's nice being tall. I have long, strong legs that look great in a skirt. I have an hourglass figure that was made for curve-hugging dresses. My hair is soft and pretty. My face is friendly. I am beautiful in MY way. I am the only one who can make myself that way - therefore, I am.
Instead of jealously comparing myself to others, I now find myself celebrating their beauty for what it is - not in comparison to mine, not in what they are lacking or what they possess, but just for them, as a whole. I allow myself to see my body through the eyes of my husband, who still - after 10 years together - finds me delectably lovely and has never had a negative word to say about my appearance. I allow my children to hear me say, "Wow, I love this dress on me!" or "My hair looks fantastic today!"
This is not an easy road to travel for everyone, I know. I was coming from a place of general apathy about my looks, not self-loathing, and I have the support of a good man and wonderful friends who compliment me and children who still see me through eyes that see no flaws.
Try it, just once. Go ahead. Let yourself think you are fine the way you are. No, not even fine - perfect. Even if the moment is fleeting for you (for we all know how hard it is to deviate from years of thinking), relish in it. You are lovely.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Farewell, Grampie Tood
It has been four days since Grampie Tood died.
Four days of casseroles and hugs, stories and old photos, pressing my face against my grandmother's feather-soft cheek, watching my son touch his grandfather's body in the casket - and yet the hard part begins now. The ache burns worse now than it did when I held his hand hours before he stopped breathing, knowing I would not see him alive again, sobbing against his face and ears and telling him things I know he knew wordlessly in a not-so-distant past.
For now begins the new normal of life without dear old Gramps. Our weekly (or twice-weekly) visits to their house will not hold all of the comforting things I have grown to expect and anticipate - my grandmother will still ask Charlie if he had school today, and she will still tell us to come up again, and she will still call my daughter a scamp and tell me stories from fifty years ago. And, oh, I am so grateful for that, for the glint of the demure necklaces she wears, the worn bottoms of her slippers, the way she pats her hair to make sure it is still in place.
But Grampie will not be there. He will not lean forward, expectantly, elbows on knees, as we forge our way unannounced into their living room (but always welcomed) grinning because nothing makes him happier than to see our faces. No longer will I hear him ask where my son got his "pretty shirt" or if my husband is working tonight (answer: yes, because if he wasn't, he wouldn't miss out on a visit). No more awed, hushed comments about the beauty or behaviour of my children (for no one has made me feel like a better parent than my grandfather, who sees no misbehaviour but adores their every turn). No more visits on summer nights when we find him sitting on his step, and see his anticipation at spending an evening with us even before we get out of the car.
I have slowly mourned the loss of other things as he has grown older; his inability to tend a garden, his quick, loping gait reduced to shaky, shuffling steps, and that sort of thing. But I have never allowed myself to imagine life without some form of Grampie in it, for when that thought creeps into my mind, I cannot breathe. I still cannot, and he is gone.
The comforts are many at this time. I know Grampie is waiting for all of us to join him someday in Heaven, and that alone is enough to make my heart leap. I am surrounded by a close-knit family, all of whom adore him as much as I do. We can still visit Nanie and delight in her even if the empty couch causes lumps in our throats. Last but not least, the hundred of memories I can conjure up about Grampie are nothing but happy, for he was a dear, good man.
But right now - this night, four days after he has died - the grief is thick and gluey and I do not want it to be here. I want Grampie to be here. I want to kiss his whiskery cheek one last time and hear him call out "We'll be talkin' to ya, Jone!" and watch him reach out, shakily, to ruffle my son's hair.
Wish you were here, Grampie. Right here.
Four days of casseroles and hugs, stories and old photos, pressing my face against my grandmother's feather-soft cheek, watching my son touch his grandfather's body in the casket - and yet the hard part begins now. The ache burns worse now than it did when I held his hand hours before he stopped breathing, knowing I would not see him alive again, sobbing against his face and ears and telling him things I know he knew wordlessly in a not-so-distant past.
For now begins the new normal of life without dear old Gramps. Our weekly (or twice-weekly) visits to their house will not hold all of the comforting things I have grown to expect and anticipate - my grandmother will still ask Charlie if he had school today, and she will still tell us to come up again, and she will still call my daughter a scamp and tell me stories from fifty years ago. And, oh, I am so grateful for that, for the glint of the demure necklaces she wears, the worn bottoms of her slippers, the way she pats her hair to make sure it is still in place.
But Grampie will not be there. He will not lean forward, expectantly, elbows on knees, as we forge our way unannounced into their living room (but always welcomed) grinning because nothing makes him happier than to see our faces. No longer will I hear him ask where my son got his "pretty shirt" or if my husband is working tonight (answer: yes, because if he wasn't, he wouldn't miss out on a visit). No more awed, hushed comments about the beauty or behaviour of my children (for no one has made me feel like a better parent than my grandfather, who sees no misbehaviour but adores their every turn). No more visits on summer nights when we find him sitting on his step, and see his anticipation at spending an evening with us even before we get out of the car.
I have slowly mourned the loss of other things as he has grown older; his inability to tend a garden, his quick, loping gait reduced to shaky, shuffling steps, and that sort of thing. But I have never allowed myself to imagine life without some form of Grampie in it, for when that thought creeps into my mind, I cannot breathe. I still cannot, and he is gone.
The comforts are many at this time. I know Grampie is waiting for all of us to join him someday in Heaven, and that alone is enough to make my heart leap. I am surrounded by a close-knit family, all of whom adore him as much as I do. We can still visit Nanie and delight in her even if the empty couch causes lumps in our throats. Last but not least, the hundred of memories I can conjure up about Grampie are nothing but happy, for he was a dear, good man.
But right now - this night, four days after he has died - the grief is thick and gluey and I do not want it to be here. I want Grampie to be here. I want to kiss his whiskery cheek one last time and hear him call out "We'll be talkin' to ya, Jone!" and watch him reach out, shakily, to ruffle my son's hair.
Wish you were here, Grampie. Right here.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Loons
I caught sight of the shadowy form of myself in the mirror - long neck, hair coming down from its bun, round little baby head weaving about on my shoulder - and sighed. I was holding my 1-year-old before bed, soothing her in room, lit by the dim tones of her frog night-light, and recalling the pangs of despair I felt earlier when I contemplated what life was like before our children came along.
It was easy.
I remember the first day of fishing season, 2005. There was still plenty of snow on the ground, but my husband and I didn't mind. We drove to the convenience store and paid for our fishing licenses and bought junk food. At home, we packed our snacks and the worms dug from my FIL's earthy garden and our fishing rods, donned our lined rubber boots, and headed out through the woods. We weaved through trees, crossed powerlines, and slipped down an old road in the woods. We came to the top of a ravine, and - there! - the stream below snaked along, burbling its hello. I took a photo of us by the water's edge, snow around us, winter coats on, fishing rods in hand. We fished and laughed and talked. A nibble here and there - the trout weren't terribly bitish, and we'd had better, more memorable fishing trips, but this is the one that stands out in my mind tonight. I suspect we came home, took a nap, ate sandwiches and chips, and went for a long, meandering drive through the rural back roads my husband grew up exploring.
It is soon to be the first day of fishing season. We will head to the same stream, but our 5-year-old son will carry the tackle box. I'll carry the fishing rods, and my husband will have the baby strapped onto his back. We will fish for 30 minutes while our son chucks rocks into the water and the baby squirms and shouts nonsense and grabs at branches. We'll go home, exhausted from our short adventure (it's harder climbing that ravine with a 59-pound kid on your back, you know), and remove muddied pants and nurse cranky babies and stand, dumbfounded, while looking into the fridge, wondering what on earth to throw together for a well-balanced dinner.
I hardly remember what it was like to have time that was our own. Today, my husband and I did not spontaneously take off for the border to get some cheap groceries and detour off to the closed mines. We didn't drive 2.5 hours to a lake and camp out on the shore, listening to the loons at 3am and shivering with delight. My husband scrubbed at the counters while I dressed the kids and took them to playgroup. I fixed the eldest a sandwich after I put the baby down for a nap. The headache that throbbed behind my eyes was not sated by a 30 minute nap. We entertained some friends while my husband ran errands and tried to fix his chainsaw. I made supper while the baby carried clean utensils all over my house and my husband got ready for work. After he left, we visited my grandparents and came home and that was when I sighed, because I still had to put the other kid to bed and clean the kitchen and exercise and finish stripping the cloth diapers.
But my son just emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, and said, "Mom, what is the name of that bus in "Convoy"? I mean, what kind is it?"
"It's a chartreuse microbus."
"YES! That's it!" He turned on his heel, murmuring the lyrics under his breath, one hand in his mouth wiggling his loose tooth.
I told my grandparents about the loons tonight, but they barely listened, for they were smitten with my children. I think they have forgotten the ache one has for the sound of the loons, but they reminded me of the delicious ache of being somebody's answer.
It was easy.
I remember the first day of fishing season, 2005. There was still plenty of snow on the ground, but my husband and I didn't mind. We drove to the convenience store and paid for our fishing licenses and bought junk food. At home, we packed our snacks and the worms dug from my FIL's earthy garden and our fishing rods, donned our lined rubber boots, and headed out through the woods. We weaved through trees, crossed powerlines, and slipped down an old road in the woods. We came to the top of a ravine, and - there! - the stream below snaked along, burbling its hello. I took a photo of us by the water's edge, snow around us, winter coats on, fishing rods in hand. We fished and laughed and talked. A nibble here and there - the trout weren't terribly bitish, and we'd had better, more memorable fishing trips, but this is the one that stands out in my mind tonight. I suspect we came home, took a nap, ate sandwiches and chips, and went for a long, meandering drive through the rural back roads my husband grew up exploring.
It is soon to be the first day of fishing season. We will head to the same stream, but our 5-year-old son will carry the tackle box. I'll carry the fishing rods, and my husband will have the baby strapped onto his back. We will fish for 30 minutes while our son chucks rocks into the water and the baby squirms and shouts nonsense and grabs at branches. We'll go home, exhausted from our short adventure (it's harder climbing that ravine with a 59-pound kid on your back, you know), and remove muddied pants and nurse cranky babies and stand, dumbfounded, while looking into the fridge, wondering what on earth to throw together for a well-balanced dinner.
I hardly remember what it was like to have time that was our own. Today, my husband and I did not spontaneously take off for the border to get some cheap groceries and detour off to the closed mines. We didn't drive 2.5 hours to a lake and camp out on the shore, listening to the loons at 3am and shivering with delight. My husband scrubbed at the counters while I dressed the kids and took them to playgroup. I fixed the eldest a sandwich after I put the baby down for a nap. The headache that throbbed behind my eyes was not sated by a 30 minute nap. We entertained some friends while my husband ran errands and tried to fix his chainsaw. I made supper while the baby carried clean utensils all over my house and my husband got ready for work. After he left, we visited my grandparents and came home and that was when I sighed, because I still had to put the other kid to bed and clean the kitchen and exercise and finish stripping the cloth diapers.
But my son just emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, and said, "Mom, what is the name of that bus in "Convoy"? I mean, what kind is it?"
"It's a chartreuse microbus."
"YES! That's it!" He turned on his heel, murmuring the lyrics under his breath, one hand in his mouth wiggling his loose tooth.
I told my grandparents about the loons tonight, but they barely listened, for they were smitten with my children. I think they have forgotten the ache one has for the sound of the loons, but they reminded me of the delicious ache of being somebody's answer.
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